Astrology?

I've never been a big disciple of astrological belief systems, but I gotta say, after realizing today that too many of the people I love the most all have a July birthday in common... well, maybe there's somethin' to it! I guess many of us want desperately to believe in "something greater than ourselves" or a pattern to the universe or meaning or karma or... ANYTHING... but I suspect I have too much of a scientific mind to believe that the period in which you were fertilized and/or birthed is the REAL blueprint guide to your destiny. Still... I AM lovin' so many folks who have that lion totem... Hmmm...

JUST WANTED TO SHARE...

... a few shots of the absolute BEST fireworks display I've ever seen. Probably because I viewed it from my cousin's boat, in the middle of a lake, and the display was exploding directly above my head. Fantastic show, great company, beautiful night...

BACK HOME IS... I DON'T KNOW WHERE REALLY!

So... after spending a bit more than a week back East visiting my family, I have come to a few conclusions. Firstly, I love my family. Secondly, I love living in Los Angeles. Coming back home from being back home is good. It is weird in some ways because although I have lived in L.A. for 25 years (certainly longer than I lived back "There"), when I return to my hometown, the only thing that really feels like home are the people. The topography has changed profoundly, I don't really feel any connection to the geographic location and although I have friends from growing up still there, I have created a family of friends in Los Angeles that often feel more like family than my family. Well, that's not QUITE correct; family is family and that can be a powerful connection, but the family I have created in L.A. were chosen by me. The problem with some of the family back East is that although I love all of them, I didn't chose them. Anyone who has relocated probably knows what I mean. I think that after my mom died, my "hometown" - or at least the feeling of home - died somehow with her. I don't really feel any affinity for any one place there. The home I grew up in was sold after she died, so maybe that's a big part of it. I think that if when I went back home, I was going back HOME to an actual HOUSE that WAS home, it would be different. But now I stay at my sister's and going back there feels a lot like being a guest.

But the people do create a sense of belonging and familiarity. That is not to be dismissed as important. They know my history. But, they really don't know much past the time I moved except what I have shared or they have surmised from visits out here. There is a part of me that wishes I could move back and just pick up where I left, when I left, but of course that is impossible. It is kind of like a time warp; some/many of them still treat me and react to me like they remember me from long ago - like nothing has changed. I guess that's to be expected. Like some sort of arrested development stuck in the past. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it feels.

I had a GREAT time seeing everybody. And I did try to see EVERYBODY. Many of my aunts and uncles are older and I do cherish them. It's also not like I haven't seen them a lot. I made the decision long ago that if I was going to make the choice to move, the onus was on me to go back and visit as often as possible, if I wanted to remain close. And we are close. But it's not the sort of closeness they all have with each other. They have battled out hundreds of day-to-day dramas, celebrated all the little triumphs and shared thousands of moments together that I have missed.

As I have gotten older, the connection to my family has become strangely more crucial. As I watch the generation above me and the one above them grow older, I suddenly am reminded of how temporal everything is. And, although I do return back quite frequently, considering, the shock of seeing the aging process is a bit... well... scary.

I wonder if they look at me and think the same thing?

I also secretly fear that each time I see them could be the last time. We have already lost some members of our tribe and have several others who are getting up there. Ironically, the same sense of uncomfortableness I feel when they treat me like I am an adolescent, has a draw for me in that the aunts and uncles especially are my connection to my children. They DID know me "when." My friend-family in L.A. has no history of that from which to draw. They all met me when I moved to L.A. and "reinvented" myself.

Also, each time I visit back East, I confess that I feel less and less connected. There are the next generation progeny, children of cousins and even relative-spouses with whom I have absolutely no connection at all. I don't like that, but it's the way it is. That feels uncomfortable as well. We make small talk and are "family," but there is not too much depth to the conversation or visits. If I had remained back there, I would be "part of" instead of "the cousin/uncle/in-law who moved away to L.A. a long time ago."

The bottom line for now is that I thoroughly enjoyed visiting, tried to not get conscripted into too many family dramas or gossip wars and am happy to be back home.

I just don't like change...